Two directionless twenty-something bartenders are accidentally exposed to information about a fixed horse race and try to take advantage of this potential windfall without tipping their hand to the nasty thugs that planned the caper
I don’t know where my head is today, but your logline reminded me of Connie and Carla https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0345074/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1?!
Mike hits the nail on the head here with “what else sustains the 90min+ runtime” and “this is simply the tip of the iceberg”. ? In Connie and Carla, they witness a mob hit and must go into hiding to save their lives… but the world they end up in (LA drag circuit – don’t ask!) ironically answers their pre-witness woes of needing stable and fulfilling work. ?The mob still catches up with them, but by now they’re in a better position (through new alliances) to evade them.
Connie and Carla is complete daft fluff! ?I don’t know what genre your idea is (which is a potential issue). ?I suppose that’s where I’m heading:
- What genre is this?
- Why are they directionless?
- Why do they need the money?
- How big a windfall is it?
- How do the thugs discover them?
- What do the thugs plan on doing to them?
- How will they get out of it?
It sounds like a good set up for a black comedy to me – something that would have a broader appeal than either straight slapstick or thriller?
Why two? Why not a single protagonist?
At 35 words, it’s not too long however I do think it could easily be shortened to make it more punchy.
So they hear about a fixed horse race, go and place a bet, win big… I get that they don’t want to make it obvious and they risk being caught but what else sustains the 90min+ runtime? I wonder if there is more story after they’ve won the bet. Surely if they win too big (since they’re young and probably greedy, that’s what I imagine has potentially happened) then there’ll be consequences to this? I feel like this is simply the tip of the iceberg and they should get dragged deep into a world they had no intention of finding themselves in.
I like the premise though. I’m based in the UK, so this feels Guy Ritchie-esque like Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. No idea if that’s what you’re going for.
Go further… what happens next?
I suggest it might work better if they have an urgent need for the money, one that an audience can identify with.
Like they’re saddled with enormous college loans after graduating with degrees in philosophy or literature (Phd degrees, no less), degrees that have no market value.
[For those of you not living in the US, the student loan racket is one of the greatest con jobs and legalized usury schemes every foisted on the American people.? Student loans cannot be forgiven;? if debtors declare bankruptcy, they can’t get out from being liable for their student loans.? It’s outrageous– and it’s legal.]
What I am suggesting is to create audience sympathy for the guys by giving them the same financial problem that afflicts tens of millions of people.? Make their predicament relatable.? As it stands now, there is nothing in the logline to evoke audience sympathy, to get an audience to root for them.
Also, I, too, have to ask why there are two main characters.? Why not just one?? Have you worked out the chemistry of their relationship?? Are they an odd couple who must work together to get of a common predicament?? Or are they best friends whose relationship will be sorely tested as the story progresses?
I advocate composing two loglines for works projects, a development version to rough out the fundamentals of the plot for the work in progress, and eventually a marketing version for pitching the finished script.? (Ideally, the two could be one and the same, but in practice that is not always the case. )
“Gets in too deep” is vague,? needs clarification and specificity. Right now, I am interested in a development logline version of your concept that lays down the fundamental elements:? inciting incident, protagonist, objective goal, antagonist, stakes.? (And it is perfectly kosher for a development version to begin with “when” because it’s for a work in progress, only for private use. I agree that the marketing version for when the finished script goes public should try to avoid leading off with that word.)