‘Off The Grid’ After moving off the grid, bickering newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbors kid and now must work together to escape the families vengeful wrath.
As for the logline, it seems that the story is there: the main characters cause an accident, kill a boy and now have to fend for their lives – fine. The problem is that it sounds rather generic, if not a bit flat. Perhaps if the setting was unique or the way in which the father tries to kill them was original it would help elevate the premise.
A very quick take on it…
When newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbours son, they must fight to stay alive, as the family begins a campaign of revenge.
I wasn’t sure how necessary “bickering” and “must work together” is to the logline. Perhaps for the script. I mean – all newlyweds bicker, it’s not a big enough thing to put in there. “must work together” goes without saying. It seems like excess stuff for the reader to carry.
I dunno – I thought “son” was more primal and personal and specific than “kid”.
I considered putting? “relentless” in front of campaign. Sounds pretty intense as it is.
Admittedly – there’s something wrong with this logline. I can’t put my finger on it. You could perhaps get rid of “creepy”?
The fact this family is getting revenge says more about than an adjective could.
Perhaps get rid of “begins”? and just do “campaigns to get revenge”.
After their car crash kills the neighbors son, newlyweds fight for survival against the fathers lust for vengeance by befriending the red-headed step child.
There are too many non-causal events and unclear relationships. How did “their” car crash kill the “neighbor’s son”? Who is the “red-headed step son” and how will befriending him calm the “father’s lust for vengeance”?
More importantly though, why should we root for the newlyweds? Do they possess any redeeming qualities to make us prefer that they prevail over their neighbor? As it stands, the audience might prefer to see the grieving father extract his revenge (especially if he could not get the justice he sought from the the state).
Yes, I have read Aristotle’s Poetics.? (Several translations to get a full range of the meaning of his words).? It’s a timeless classic, a must-read for anyone who wants to become a screenwriter or dramatist. The book deeply informs my m.o. for reviewing loglines, particularly his points about the unity of plot and the necessity of plausible causality between the inciting incident and action.
[My other pre-20th/21st century text on drama is Hegel’s theory of tragedy, the most original contribution to dramatic theory since Ari.? And, alas, underappreciated.]