After she finds divorce papers, a desperate make-up artist goes to extreme measures to turn herself into her husbands ideal woman, but when she discovers that he actually dreams of becoming a woman she has to face what is really keeping them together.

    Squeeze

    Default Posted on May 2, 2015 in Public.
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    10 Review(s)

      You have given us two inciting incidents in the logline, which is making it too long.

      1: She discovers divorce papers
      2: She discovers her husband wants to be a woman.

      I would concentrate on one or the other for the logline.

      Singularity Answered on May 2, 2015.
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        There isn’t any thing wrong with a add inciting incident in my opinion, but the second answers the reason for the first, so I think it reveals too much. However, I think it is well written and arranged.

        Default Answered on May 2, 2015.
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          What Richiev said.

          The logline starts with one plot then at the end begins another this is confusing and the goal isn’t clear what increases the confusion. She either wants to keep their relationship or not needing to “face” something isn’t a goal but what she needs after facing the reality is a goal.

          I think the MC has a great journey from becoming dependent on her husband to becoming independent. The divorce papers are a great catalyst to push her into taking one action which will eventually lead her to learn a lesson and become a better person for it.

          I don’t think the plot needs anything more than that to make an interesting story. How about:
          After being given divorce papers an insecure mack-up artists desperately tries to change her self to save her marriage.

          Maybe add an antagonist the husbands new lover a transsexual person perhaps.

          Hope this helps.

          Singularity Answered on May 2, 2015.
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            This sounds like an interesting story to me. May I ask, does her husband want to become a transgendered lesbian? I find her husband’s wanting a divorce but then your saying that something’s keeping them together a bit confusing.

            Penpusher Answered on May 2, 2015.
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              Hello,
              the story has a potential but I reiterate the comments above: you have to choose what story is the main story and write the logline consequently. It seems to me that there are two possibilities.

              A.
              inciting event: divorce papers
              second act: how to become his perfect woman thanks to her make up abilities
              resolution: he wants to turn into a woman
              In this case the logline should avoid the resolution but you should include what is the problem she encouters in the second act (without spoiling the resolution)

              B.
              inciting event: her husband whant to turn into a woman
              second act: how she will use her make up artist abilities? To turn her into a man?
              resolution: she decides to turn completely into a man and love him as a woman or she learns that she has to give up and find a new man?

              The two possibilities are interesting. B is very original but hard to write. A needs to find something to build interest in the second act.

              Good luck with “Squeeze”!

              Mentor Answered on May 2, 2015.
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