After a curse is placed on him a suicidal young man must convince his non-committal girlfriend to fall in love with him before he can kill himself.
I dunno. Does she know of his suicidal intentions? If so, it seems to me he’s committing emotional blackmail. Isn’t true love suppose to be voluntary, spontaneous?
And I don’t see the point of a supernatural curse when in real life people naturally threaten to kill themselves if someone doesn’t love him/her all the time. As anyone who has ever served on a suicide hotline (as I have) knows all too well.
The premise of the logline does not work for me. Others’ mileage may vary.
“After a curse is placed on him?” does not directly relate to “…must convince his non-committal girlfriend to fall in love with?”.
There is no connection or cause and effect between the inciting incident and the goal.
Further if she is already his girlfriend wouldn’t she already love him otherwise why is she his girlfriend? On the other side if she is with him and non committal what kind of relationship are they in an open one and he wants her for him self?
As DPG said there is a problem with the premise I think it lacks logic.
Hope this helps.
I was thoroughly confused by this logline. Mostly I think I would find it unlikely for an audience to root for a main character whose goal it is to kill himself. It seems to me maybe a dark comedy but then it also sounds like it has a supernatural element to it because of the curse part. It just doesn’t leave me with a clear picture.
A suicidal young man is cursed preventing him from killing himself. He must convince his non-committal girlfriend to fall in love with him to break the curse so he can die.
Don’t think it is a nice story. May be a dark comedy. But form a logline point of view, I think you need to get rid of some of the “Busy words”. I have tried making it get to the point quicker. Hope this helps.