After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who tries to invade her town so that she can be human again.

    Penpusher Posted on May 4, 2020 in Horror.
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    7 Review(s)

      This logline is written in an odd order. elements are there, and I can see, Robocop meets Buffy the vampire slayer.

      But there are elements missing as well. Who is the overall bad guy, the person who turned her into a cyborg? A big bad vampire?

      What is the lead character’s goal? Is it to kill a specific vampire or to find a way to become human again?

      And how does this make her a ‘ticking time bomb? Is this literal or figurative, I can’t tell from reading the logline.

      Singularity Answered on May 4, 2020.
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        I revised it.

        Penpusher Answered on May 4, 2020.
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          Your second attempt:

          “After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who try to invade her town so that she can be human again.”

          ———————————————

          I think the new attempt fixes a few of the problems of the original logline: but not all.

          1: I am not seeing why a vampire would want to make the lead character a cyborg: what is his motivation? (Unless it is a big reveal)

          2: I am not seeing why the lead character killing vampires would return her to human status (Unless her specific goal would be to save the only scientist who can transform her back to human)

          3: I am not seeing ‘what’ the ticking clock is, why must she race against time? She must defeat the vampires before (this specific time) or (This bad thing will happen). (What specifically is causing the ticking clock?)

          ——————————————–

          Interesting premise, Cyborgs and Vampires I can’t remember ever seeing this combination before.

          With a little more work and a few specifics I am sure the logline will turn out as interesting as the premise

          ?

          Singularity Answered on May 4, 2020.
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            Maybe I’m missing something but this logline is confusing.

            If I work hard at it, this is what I was able to glean:

            MC – young woman.

            Inciting event – being turned into a cyborg.

            Goal – become human again.

            I shouldn’t need to struggle to understand the premise, so even if the above is correct, the logline isn’t working.

            What’s the cause and effect? How will killing vampires turn her back into being human?

             

             

            Singularity Answered on May 4, 2020.
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              What should the logline be? I’m confused also.

              Penpusher Answered on May 5, 2020.

              Below are only but a few points of confusion I found in your logline:

              “…fellow vampire…” implies that the young woman is already a vampire, not human – so which is she?

              “…young woman…” doesn’t tell us enough about the MC, it basically describes nearly a third of the human race (or more, depending on what qualifies as young for you).

              What does “…being built as a cyborg…” mean? Do you mean perhaps ‘after being transformed into a cyborg’?

              Why “…must…” she race to kill the vampires? What’s causing the urgency?

              “…Who tries to invade her town…” – should be ‘who are trying to invade her town.’

              More to the point, what does invade a town mean? Are they physically located outside of town and are trying to walk onto the streets? If so, how could one person stop many others? And what does invade mean? Will they inhabit the town? Attack the town-folk? How is this a personal stake for her? Will her family or friends be in danger? ? ?

              on May 5, 2020.
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