A three month pregnant healthcare worker's grim shift at the local psychiatric hospital is disturbed when a possessed patient wants her in horrific fear, at the sight of the demonic being that lives inside her.
Your concept seems quite interesting with a lot of potential for scares, but I’m struggling to follow the logline.
“A three month pregnant healthcare worker”
This feels a little too detailed. Is it essential that we know how many months? Consider “A newly-pregnant” or “An expectant mother”. I think you can omit “healthcare worker” since that’s implied in the next phrase, but that’s up to you.
‘Grim’ is a good word, but it might be more powerful placed elsewhere. Is the shift grim to begin with? If so, what makes it grim? Consider “An expectant mother’s shift at the psychiatric hospital turns grim when…” — this way the shift starts off normal.
“a possessed patient wants her in horrific fear”
This phrase isn’t grammatically correct. Can you clarify what the possessed patient is doing / desiring?
“at the sight of the demonic being that lives inside her.”
I’m also a bit lost with the pronouns here – so far, the only “her” we’ve had is the psych worker. Who is seeing the demonic being? Who does it live inside – is it the baby?
Another aspect to approach is this: what is it about your story in particular that makes it different from other supernatural horrors? Can you capture some of the Act II conflict in a few words?
“An expectant mother’s shift at the psychiatric hospital turns grim when a possessed patient makes an attempt at her life – and the unholy life of her unborn child.”
This reads like a scene not a story. Fear is fleeting and can be achieved quickly. If that is a goal how is it sustained through the entire story? Some things can be dropped and may improve the pace like “local”. This is needed as it doesn’t move the story along. If that word was isolated it would imply be trapped, but local is emotive. A “grim shift” isn’t instantly understandable, what makes it grim? Describing that may give a better understanding. Is the shift grim because the place is grim? Working in a disturbing environment gives a no where to run feeling, a single shift isn’t as threatening.
Wanting someone’s fear isn’t much of a goal. Why they want the fear may give some structure.
I can see the bones of a good story. I hope this helps.
Thank you very much for your help. I know I need to work on correct grammar. I also really appreciate your take on another log line.
My #2 log line I have worked on is
“Do You Wanna See It?”, is a suspense/horror based on a true story of a healthcare worker’s encounter with a possessed patient, who will ask her a question that she’s unsure she is brave enough to answer.
I would love to read your thoughts on this and what you feel about the title.