4 When a man leaves his cruiser with his best friend who then flees in it, he must convince the Water Police that there is no crime but they should save his friend in the sinking cruiser.

    Samurai Posted on April 12, 2020 in Drama.
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    4 Review(s)

      Your lead character’s goal is to convince someone else to take action: The Water Police ( Are you talking, The Coast Guard? or Bay Watch?)

      Instead, the lead character should be the one trying to rescue his friend or the lead character should be the guy on the boat

      Singularity Answered on April 12, 2020.
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        What’s the story here? This sounds like a five minute scene, and it isn’t even clear what’s happening.

        First of all, what’s a cruiser? Be clear and simple, make sure everybody understands the basic premise. Seems from the context of the rest of this it’s a boat…so just say “boat.”

        Why is his friend fleeing? And from what? Is he in trouble? Running from someone else? Where’s the antagonist here?

        Why is there no crime? Did the friend not just steal his boat? And if there’s no crime, why involve the police? What’s the guy gonna do about it himself? Protagonists must be active.

        Aside from a stolen boat which apparently isn’t even a crime, what’s the conflict here? That the boat is sinking? Why is it sinking?

        A logline needs to make the story clear. Figure out what the entire story is, then summarize the first half in a single sentence. If this IS the entire story, then you don’t have a movie yet and need to keep developing your idea.

        Mentor Answered on April 14, 2020.
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          When a fisherman leaves his cruiser with his best friend who then steals his identity and title to the boat, the owner must battle his financier in Court to save his business.

          Samurai Answered on April 14, 2020.
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            Better — you’re getting across the ideas that make up the story. But it’s still unclear why this is happening and how some of it relates to other aspects.

            Part of the issue is the complicated phrasing — see my thoughts here about not starting a logline with “When” – https://logline.it/the-case-for-an-updated-formula/

            You’ve given us the four things needed in a logline — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes — but they’re jumbled and unclear. A good rephrasing can fix all that.

            Mentor Answered on April 15, 2020.
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